Quotes

• This section contains memorable quotes from all episodes the character has appeared in, some of which may contain spoilers. All were transcriped by me, Hider and they should not be posted elsewhere without permission.

101: No Such Thing As Vampires

Josef: You don't get to change the rules of the game after the game has started. Mick: My best friend Josef, one of the oldest vampires in LA. Four hundred, going on thirty, living... well, unliving, proof that paranoia never goes out of style. Josef: You look good. Working out? Little bit, huh. Josef: Have you seen the news? This terrible thing in West Hollywood? It's eveywhere. 'Vampire Slaying Rocks LA.' Mick: Yeah, I know, it dosen't look good for us. Josef: It's a threat to our secrecy! What is this, the 1720s?! We're discreet, we don't leave bodies lying around. We have to be extra vigilant. We live in an age of fingerprint scans, DNA testing, geno-mapping... Mick: Josef, relax. Josef: I am relaxed. This is relaxed. You're only ninety, you've never been chased by a torch-bearing mob... hungry. Josef: Would you care for a liquid refreshment? Mick: No thank you. Josef: Are you sure? She's delicious. '82 was a good year. Mick: We went to the SuperBowl in '82, right? Lost a million bucks on Cinnatti that year. Josef: Except for that. Mick: Yeah. Josef: You're fooling yourself if you think you can live on that retail blood forever. Mick: I do all right. Josef: Yeah, for now. But you're fighting a losing battle my friend. Sooner or later your inner vampire is going to demand to be fed. And then what? Mick: Goodbye Josef. Josef: It's about time you got back. Mick: (gestures to Josef's spot on the couch) Make yourself at home. Josef: I did. And I poured myself a drink. You seriously drink this stuff? What is it, non-fat soy vegan blood? Mick: If you don't like it... (reaches for cup) Josef: I didn't say that. Mick: You sure? Josef: Get out a here. Josef: I assume you don't have any freshies around? Yeah, of course not. Josef: Vampire experts. Beautiful. Now we got the food mouthing off about the farmer. Josef: Then you, my friend, must get her to stop. Mick: What do you mean, like she's driving along and suddenly her car explodes? Josef: I was thinking you ask her nicely, but fielder's choice. Josef: So you're telling me that some poser wannabe, drinking blood out of a Snoop Dog chalice is behind this? Mick: Something like that. Josef: Why haven't you killed him? Mick: There's more than one suspect. Josef: So kill them all. That's what I would do. Josef: Look, I know you have morals and scrupals and that's fine... sort of, but you are not the man that I, on occasion, pretend to respect if you don't get this under control. You have a soft spot for the mortal ones, a fascination for all the charming little things they do, while listening to the tick tick tick of their own looming demise. That's fine, that's good, everyone needs a hobby. Mick: I said, I'm on this. Josef: Good, because if that reporter actually finds out who we are, she gets a Pulitzer and we join the list of extinct species. Mick: We're on the same side. Josef: Sorry, not questioning your loyalty. Mick: Yeah? good. Josef: Yeah, vampire solidarity. Rah rah rah. All that. Mick: Yeah, and don't forget, I'm your only friend who dosen't like you just for your money. Josef: True, sad... but true.

102: Out of the Past

Josef: Please, I should get her to write a book about me, make me sound all innocent and suffering. Mick: She's involved with him. Josef: You think? Look, humans don't know how to properly deal with their bad guys. What else is new? You want to take matters into your own hands. Now, come on, I got a few hours to kill. Mick: It's not that simple. Josef: Yeah, it is. What if we decides to go all Van Helsing and come after you? Josef: (After he's interrupted while feeding) I told you, not while I'm eating. Josef: (sarcastically proud) You made the news. Mick: Great. Josef: Well, apparently the attempted murder charge against you carries a fifteen year penalty. The firearm enhancement adds another fifteen. That's what they called it: enhancement. Josef: Prison is not the vampire's friend. (pause) Look on the positive side, in twenty-five years, you'll probably get a book deal.

103: Dr Feelgood

Mick: (To Coraline) You turned me into a monster. Josef: I don't know, monster might be a little extreme. Josef: I gotta play with Tiger. Do you think Tiger would be up for a little night-putting?> Josef: Yeah, well, the bloodlust can be pretty heavy when you're first turned. You can really lose it. I know I did. Damn! Those were good times. Josef: The incinenator? Damn, remind me never to piss you off. Mick: I didn't have a choice. Josef: It's not like I'm judging you. I would have done the same thing, except I would have enjoyed it more. Josef: Don't tell me you're saying something good about the ex. Josef: Let me tell you something I've learned in my four-hundred years. Two Buddhist monks are walking down a road and they see a woman trying to cross a stream. The first monk picks her up and carries her across. She says thank you and they go their seperate ways. But the second monk is spitting mad. After a couple more miles, the second monk speaks up, tells the first monk 'You violated the rules of our order when you carried that woman across the stream.' The first monk replied, 'I might have carried her across that stream, but you've been carrying her ever since.' Mick: I have. Josef: Stop carrying Coraline around Mick. You can't change the past and you can't let it stop you from going forward.

105: Arrested Development

Josef: So, your reporter friend, what's her name again? Mick: You know her name. Josef: Yeah, Beth, right. So how's that going? Since, uh, happy hour? Josef: You're a romantic in the abstract, my friend, but the reality of fang on flesh... Josef: Boy, a lot's changed in four hundred years. Mick: Yeah, there's no regular cat houses anymore. Josef: Another casualty of the digital age. Now it's categories: blondes, Asians, busty, mature... Equestrian. Hmm... choice, choice, choice. Very efficient. Very American. Mick: You sound almost nostalgic. Josef: Whatever happened to the good old days, with four girls on a street corner, undercutting each other. Mick: Josef, Rider, meet Beth Turner. Josef: Beth Turner, Buzzwire, such beautiful women on the internet. Beth: Thank you... I guess. Beth: What am I suppose to say? I've never spoken to a serial killer before. Josef: Well, ya know, be polite. Please, thank you.

106: BC

Josef: I need your help. Mick: You need my help? Josef: Don't make me say it again. Josef: Delores Maxford Whitaker, Lola to her friends. Mick: Nice. She a vampire? Josef: Of course she's a vampire! She's the vampire, oldest one I've ever met. We've had this on-again, off-again thing for a hundred years or so. She came back into town a few weeks ago so it's on again, until she dissapears. Mick: That's what you get for dating older women. Josef: Better than dating a human. Mick: She got a phone number? Josef: She usually calls me. Mick: So you guys are really close, huh? Josef: In our own special way. Mick: Before I tell you that, I just have to know. Is there any chance you hired me to find beautiful Lola so you could cut off her very photogenic head? Josef: Why would I want to do that? Mick: You tell me. Josef: All the centuries she's lived, with that kind of age comes power. Mick: I'm beginning to see why you're so attracted to her. Mick: You gave her your password?! Josef: Not on purpose! Mick: I don't even want to know. Mick: The werehouse has been torched, everything's been taken care of. Josef: What about...? Mick: She's dead. Josef: When you live as long as Lola, it tricks you into thinking you're above at all. That you really are immortal.

107: The Ringer

Mick: What do you remember from when you were four? Josef: Well it was 1603, Mick. It's reasonable for it to be a little hazy. Mick: Look at that tatoo, it's a Fleur de Lis. Josef: Looks like a dog smoking a cigar. Josef: I sense a conspiracy theory coming on. Josef: You need to take the tin foil hat off, step back, get some perspective. Mick: Maybe you could help. Josef: I don't do perspective. Josef: So where are we? City of Pone-dale? Mick: Next time I'll try to find a Bevery Hills thief. Josef: Thanks. Mick: (Jumps to a second floor balcony) Come on! Josef: Why don't you just let me in the door? Mick: Shh! Josef: Can't we hire someone to do this? Josef: So this is how the little people live. Vinyl recliners, have crazed killer written all over them, don't they? Josef: One of these days, you're going to have to stop hating what you are.

109: Fleur de Lis

Josef: There is no cure for vampyrism. There is no magic pill, no clicking ruby slippers together, and rejoining the mortal coil. Becoming a vampire is a one-way street. Josef: You have to understand. Mick and Coraline's relationship was one of those terrifying, completely self-destructing freak-shows that you spend your whole life searching for, knowing it can only end in one or both of you dead. : That's your idea of love? Josef: Well, what can I tell you, I'm a romantic. Beth: So you knew her? Josef: I met her for the first time in New York. Lincoln was president.

110: Sleeping Beauty

Quotes from this episode will be up soon.

112: The Mortal Cure

Josef: (after winning a game of pool) Good game. You know you're money's always good here. (to Mick) Newly-turned vampires, no matter how good they are, when you've been playing for two-hundred years, it's hard to lose. Mick: I didn't come here to play. Josef: Eight-ball? (wrinkles nose) Nine-ball? Mick: Listen, a couple of medievil vampires showed up on my roof looking for Coraline, and something she took from them. The main guy, he seemed to know everything about me. Josef: And the other one? Mick: He just stood there, like his endentured servant. There's something about these guys, it was like they were from a different time. Josef: And what did they look like? Mick: The talker was big, 6'1, 200 pounds, dark hair. I don't know, strong, confident. Josef: Sounds like someone's got a crush. (laughs) Anything else? Mick: One of his eyes, it was jet black. He had this stone-cold stare. Josef: Lance. Mick: Lance? You know this guy? Josef: Of him. He's somewhat legendary. He's not like other vampires. Mick: How come I've never heard of him? Josef: Because he dosen't need to blend in with society. He makes me like a pauper. He lives under his own rules. This is the first time I've heard of him in decades. He never leaves Europe. Mick: What do you think Coraline took from him? Josef: I don't know. But who cares, Mick? You look after yourself. I'm telling you, you don't mess around with this guy. Mick: (after he finds Josef getting a message by hot babes) I don't believe this. You call me down here to talk. I get here, you're getting a message. Josef: Well you seemed stressed. What better way to loosen up? Mick: Yeah, well, very tempting, but we need to talk in private. Josef: (to babe) Okay, we're going to finish this when I'm done talking. (She leaves) Now, what did I tell you, huh? You leave this guy alone. Mick: It's like he has superior genes. His hand caught on fire, and then immediately healed. How is that possible? Josef: I don't know. Maybe you were hallucinating, you said you were getting your ass kicked. Mick: No, I saw it. He regenerated. What I want to know is, why now? Coraline turns up to me in human form, dangling this cure in front of me. Now, all of a sudden, she's a vampire again. Josef: Look, she's always messed with your head. I've told you stay out of it, you let the old vamps duke this out. It's just like Coraline to fall in quicksand and bring you down with her. Mick: This is just not about Coraline! There is some kind of cure, Josef, and Coraline is my only link to it, I have to find her. I have to talk to her.

113: Fated to Pretend

Designer One: I see Palm Springs, mid-centry, Rat Pack. Josef: I've been there. I've done that. Josef: Mick! No matter how much money you throw into this, remodeling is a bitch. (Pause) Are you... Are you tan? Mick: Am I? I had lunch at the beach with Beth, not something you'll be doing anytime soon. Josef: How'd that go? You seal the deal yet? Mick: It's not that simple. Josef: Sure it is. Boy likes girl, girl likes boy. Didn't your dad explain all of this? Mick: Okay, and when I turn back? Josef: Vampires and humans can have sex, Mick. This isn't about physiology. Mick: And it isn't about sex. Josef: Of course it's about sex, everything's about sex. Mick: I'm fifty-eight years older than her, okay? I sleep in a freezer, I drink blood I buy from the morgue, and I have this tendency to bite down when I- Josef: Some of them like that. Keep coming up with all these excuses but you're not afraid Beth's going to get hurt, you're afraid you're going to get hurt. Mick: I am in love with her. Josef:Yeah, you are. Now go do something about it before it's too late. Beth: (About Guillermo) I thought he was mad at you. Mick: I bought up all the A positive he couldn't unload. Beth: You can't drink blood anymore. Mick: I sent it to Josef, sort of a sorry-you-were-a-suspect present. Mick: Josef: (As Beth and Mick enter) Oh, look, it's my two favorite humans. Beth: Did you know that my editor was investigating your involvement into a bogus charity scam? Josef: Nice to see you, Beth. Me, I'm doing great, thanks. Except for all the drywall dust, it gets everywhere. Mick: Beth's editor, Maureen Williams, was killed a couple of hours ago. Josef: I'm sorry. Am I a suspect? (Off their looks) Cool, it's like role playing but without the leather. Mick: You're name came up in connection to a story that Maureen was working on. Josef: Well was her body found on tar pits? Beth: No... Josef: That was the only person I killed this week. Mick: Josef, this is serious. Josef: No, this is stupid. Yes, Maureen called me, and I'll tell you what I told her. Look, I'm on the board of dozens of charities. I can't keep track, my PR man sets it all up. I had no idea this charity was bogus until she told me. Mick: Okay, we'll talk to your PR man. Josef: Remember the tar pits? (Smiles) Look, here's my schedule. (Hands it to Mick) I was suppose to meet Maureen this Tuesday and give her an exclusive on a new charity that Konstin Industries is setting up to help the victims of the scandal. I even got Oprah as the honorary chairwoman. Now why would I go through all that trouble if I could just kill her? You know, it's tempting to always blame the vampire but I think this time you guys are going to have to look for your killer someplace else. Josef: (Sneaking up on Mick) What are you doing? Mick: Don't do that! Josef: What? Use my craft vampire abilities to sneap up on you? Mick: Why are you here? Josef: Guillermo called me, said you were about to do something extremely stupid. I said wait, that can't be the Mick that I know. Mick: You should come, you love a challenge. Josef: Now see, I'm a lover, not a fighter. Besides, I'd just get dead, trying to protect you... the human liability. Mick: I can take care of myself. Josef: (Successfully attacks Mick) Is this how you're going to fight them?! Is this how you want it to end?! Mick: Get off me! Get off me!! Josef: (Releases him) Well I hope I made my point. Mick: Yeah, you did. Josef: What? Mick: You were right. I can't save Beth as a human, but I can save her as a vampire. You have to turn me back. Josef: Hold on, this is not- Mick: You have to turn me back, right now. Josef: Mick, you're human again! After all you've been through to get the cure, you're gonna give it up this easy! Mick: You think this is easy for me? This is not easy, okay? I don't have a choice. Josef: What you're asking me to do is- Mick: Listen to me, alright?! He has Beth. He has my Beth. So please.... please brother.... Josef: Forgive me. (Bites him) Josef: (Waiting for Mick to rise again) Come on Mick, rise and shine. Doctor: You're a... Mick: Oh yeah. Josef: It is so on. Josef: (After Mick fights and stabs the doctor) Oo, very dramatic. I like it. Mick: (To Josef) Keep the blindfold on him. Ben: What the hell is going on? Josef: We're saving your ass.

114: Click

Mick: Hey, hey. Josef: How was lunch? Mick: What are you, following me? Josef: Not me. (Turns laptop screen around to show a newspaper clipping of Mick and Tierney) Hottie, eh? You should it put it up on your Facebook page. Mick: You've seen my Facebook page? Josef: Of course I've seen your Facebook page. Mick: Did you like it? Josef: Yeah, but I'm surprised that Mr-Sulk-in-the-Shadows is suddenly all over the internet. Mick: Yeah, well, ya know, I want to expand my business and I've realized that I need to put myself out there a little more. Josef: Your flashy new client will certainly see to that. (pause) Now this Tierney girl... Mick: Yes, I know, I know. She's a celebrity and you're concerned I'm endangering myself with this kind of public exposure, but don't worry Dad, I'll be careful. Josef: Don't call me that. Mick: You did turn me. Josef: Re-turned you. Re. Turned. You were going to become a vampire again, anyway. I'm not your sire. Mick: You're kind of my Step Sire. Josef: No. (Pause) Now, wanna know what I was going to say? I was going to say Tierney reminds me of Gene Harlot. Mick: You went out with Gene Harlot?! Josef: I mostly stayed in with Gene Harlot, and if I were going to give you advice, which I'm not, I'd say go for it. Have some fun. But for somebody whose finally decided to join the twenty-first century, you're going from 0 to 60 in about half a second. Mick: Gene Harlow? Josef: (Smirks) Yeah. Beth: The rest of the paparazzi have moved on, Dean won't. He won't stop stalking Mick. Josef: Eventually he'll get a picture of Mick vamping or drinking blood. Ya know, this whole digitial revolution is bad for vampires. Back in the day a photo didn't matter. Beth: Because vampires come out blurry on film? Josef: It's the silver. All a blurry photo prooves is the photographer's incompitent. Beth: Are you speaking from personal experience? Josef: Let's just say that there was a particular rowdy night at Garbo's that I wouldn't want documented. Beth: You're the reason she wanted to be alone. Josef: Now Beth, you wouldn't want me to kiss and tell, would you? (Pause) So what do you want me to do with this Foster character? Beth: I thought you could handle it, ya know... pay him off or something? Josef: You think that'll work? Beth: No. Josef: Well then you know how I'm going to handle it. Beth: Mick has protected me, saved me more times than I can count. Josef: And you're returning the favor. Beth: Just don't tell him we're doing this. Josef: I can keep a secret. (Starts to walk away but stops) But as long as you're involved with Mick and you work at Buzzwire, his secret will always be in danger.